Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
