if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
