I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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