I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
