I just pynch a tree in the face
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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