o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
