You really coming over, don't trick.
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
