i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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