You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'm like, not good at living.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
