What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
