He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
