I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
