i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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