I feel like abortions should bother me more
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
