why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
