I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Operation Purity has been aborted
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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