The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
