her vagine was all disorganized.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Holy sore nipples Batman
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
