My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
