Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I'm at about main and main street
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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