We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
