You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
