I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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