Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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