No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
