Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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