I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
NoShamevember. You game?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
