Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
