you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
