there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
