happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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