I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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