i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
