worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
