Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
