I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize