i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
