I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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