Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
