make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize