In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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