Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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