what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
