Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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