Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
