If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
