i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
