closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
