Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
