The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
