Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
