I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
