dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
