Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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