After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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