I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Just cropdusted the office
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
