He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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