At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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